Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
