Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
