i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
