Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
