Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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