Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
