Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
