I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
