When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
