Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
