Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
