i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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