Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
