There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
