Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
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i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
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Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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