I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
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it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
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Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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