I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
