I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
