You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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