my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
