well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
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