i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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