I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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