If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize