Cold hands, warm shart.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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