the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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