dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
