When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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