Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
