I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
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Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
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Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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