I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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