Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
