genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
