I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
