Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
