There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
