My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
