I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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