I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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