can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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