remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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