My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
So squirting runs in the family.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You had me at "let me see your balls"
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
