I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
