And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
