Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Randomize
