can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
