My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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