I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
