My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
