His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
