the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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