she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Barsexuality is the new black.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
