woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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