I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
