You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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