Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
It all started with a game of naked twister.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
